Emotionless
by dassa
Summary: Draco Malfoy contemplates his destiny after HBP and sees only one conclusion to his fate.


EMOTIONLESS

_It's been a long, hard road without you by my side. Why weren't you there all the nights that we cried? You broke my mother's heart, you broke your children for life now I'm writing just to let you know I'm still alive and I'm still alive._

_Good Charlotte, Emotionless_

I'm here now. Back in this cold, horrible place that is my home. To be honest, it means absolutely nothing to me. I don't feel a thing, it's like I was standing in the street. Emotionless.

My mother's probably crying, or at least trying to, but the tears won't come. She's just as cold as this house. She didn't even cry when they took Father to Azkaban. Or when she heard of my mission. She thought I was happy to do it, that I wanted to. She was mistaken. I didn't want to kill him; why would I? so I'd be a slave to someone who isn't even really alive? Or so that we could take over the world? Like we could do that. There's too many of them, even here, in Britain, but he won't listen do advisors. He'd kill anyone who would dare tell him what to do. And he isn't even Pureblood. Everyone thinks he is, but infact, his father was a filthy Muggle. They don't follow him because he's some sort of an idol, but because they fear him. He's more powerful thany any single one of them, so they obey him, even though he's really a Mudblood. He's just like those he hates, just stronger.

Not that I'd ever dare to tell him that; he'd kill me before I could. Occlumency is one of his talents. He'd kill me without blinking an eye. In a nanosecond. He doesn't care about human life, except his own. He fears death more than anything and he thinks we all do.

If he knew how many times I begged death to take me when I was being cursed by my father. Every time I made a mistake, or forgot something, or talked back, or if I was just simply there, he would take out his wand and curse me. Death's nothing, My Lord. Death's a privilege. True suffering is not being able to die. Suffering is, when you're in so much pain you can think of nothing but dying, and knowing you'll survive, so you can go through all that pain again and again. That's suffering.

And strangely, though I know he'll kill me, I'm not afraid. It'll be over quick and I'll be gone. I fear my father more than him.

But my father's not here. He's in Azkaban, near death, probably. And, though he's my father, and I always looked up to him, I don't feel a thing when I think of his death. I want him dead. I hate him for what he's done to me and mother. He ruined our lives.

Couldn't he just be normal, just live. Withouth the Mark and everything. Then, he wouldn't have failed Him and we'd still be safe in our lives.

That's his punishment. And ours. I knew what it was about the moment He gave me the mission. I knew he didn't care if I survived. Someone would've done it instead of me, as long as I got to the end of it. I knew Snape would do it and I knew I didn't stand a chance.

I hate him so much. Because of my father's stupidity, now I have to die? And I don't really hate Dumbledore, I never wanted him dead. I did think he was an old fool, but to kill him? I'm not a killer, I'm just a kid, not even of age yet.

He told me he'd help me if I let him go. And I trusted him. But my fear of the Dark Lord was stronger and if I'd only let him go a minute earlier, it would all be well. But I was raised to obey the Lord and…it was the biggest mistake of my life. I ruined everybody's chance of safety. I killed them all. Without Dumbledore, they're all as good as gone, I guess.

I'm in the house now. My mother's dead. She's not here, but I know where she is. She's with him. And, if he hadn't killed her yet, he will soon. As soon as he gets his hands on me.

But I won't let him kill me. Why should I? He's not almighty. He's not God. He can't kill me if he can't find me. Now I only need to find a place to stay.

He can kill her, if he pleases. She doesn't mean anything to me. She's not my mother. What sort of mother would send her own son to death? She's a stranger to me. Just some woman I knew once.

He doesn't deserve to live, that filthy Mudblood. And he damn well doesn't deserve my respect. I was raised to hate Mudbloods, to despise them, and I do. I despise him. I would never again in my life follow orders by a Mudblood, I'd rather die in a second.

That's me now, like my parents. No feelings, no life inside, just an empty shell.

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I don't really have anywhere else to go, but he'll probably kill me in sight. I know he was there in the tower. He was under that cloak of his, no doubt.

I won't beg for mercy. I'll ask asylum and if he wants to, he'll kill me. I deserve death, but I'm too much of a coward to kill myself.

I don't feel anything now. Not hate, love, anger…nothing. I'm just a shell, alive for a single reason. To kill that monster who ruined my life. I'll kill him slowly, let him suffer so he'll realise death's a privilege. And then, I'll kill him with his favorite curse, Avada Kedavra. I'll watch his life go away and I won't feel a thing.

Cold and emotionless.

* * *

It's basicaly a one-shot. Draco Malfoy's contemplating his fate after HBP. He knows he wan't supposed to survive, but he's still alive. He has no more feelings for his parents, or Voldemort. He doesn't hate them, nothing. He's empty and emotionless.

Emotionless lyrics belong to Good Charlotte and everything else belongs to JKR. I own only Draco's thoughts. Lucky JKR, owns Draco…nice;P

The last few chapters of the sixth book just made me cry. I couldn't believe what I was reading. And I felt sorry for Draco throughout the book. I still hope in his redemption in the finale and I believe he will get it. He's one of my favourite characters and he's really complicated. I think there's more to him than just a Death Eater Potter Killer Wannabe. And I love what Tom Felton does to the character in the movies, he's the perfect actor for the part and he looks the way I had pictured Draco when I first read the books. read: hot!hot!hot!


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